Slow to Respond to All Text Messages
Thank you for your text! I am out of energy and unable to respond to your very reasonable question about scheduling dinner this weekend. Although you sent a perfectly normal request, I am currently rotting in bed while scrolling on TikTok because every small interaction feels too exhausting. For immediate assistance, please reach out via TikTok direct message. Somehow I am still able to respond to correspondence there.
Out of Office: Expect Delayed Response at Front Door
Thank you for ringing the doorbell four times while attempting to drop off a package that requires a signature! Although I did order that package for myself, I panicked that a murderer was trying to break into my apartment and decided not to open the door. This irrational fear is likely related to the fact that I am currently on the couch bingeing “Law & Order: S.V.U.,” which is inexplicably my comfort watch when I am feeling overwhelmed by life. I have not left my apartment in twenty-seven hours. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I plan to not hide in the bathroom during your second attempt to deliver the package tomorrow.
I Am O.O.O. from Now Until Five Hours from Now
I am currently avoiding all friends and family, as I am secretly D.M.’ing with my horrible ex, and I do not want anyone close to me to find that out. I plan to continue ignoring all friendly attempts to communicate until I can no longer keep a secret. I appreciate your concerns, as this is the former partner who cheated on me with his boss while I was home for my grandfather’s funeral. I’m looking forward to catching up and getting yelled at once I am back online.
Temporary Leave Owing to TikTok Comments
Thank you for your phone call! I am currently on leave from human interaction, after receiving a TikTok comment from a stranger who called my forehead a “fivehead.” I’ll be on this phone sabbatical for the next hour while I take a no-device, mental-health walk. If you need anything before my return, please troll TikTok account user91239234. I’m looking forward to regaining my confidence after coming to the conclusion that the Internet is full of idiots.
Mind Currently Travelling: Expect Delays in Conversational Response
I will be on vacation in my daydreams for the next thirty seconds and will have limited bandwidth to respond to your story about going apple-picking with your boring boyfriend. I will be checking back in on the conversation periodically, but I may not have the desire to respond until my focus fully returns to the present. If this is urgent, please start bawling, screaming, or waving your arms in front of me so I know this is an important conversation. Otherwise, I will mentally reëngage once I sense that it’s my turn to talk about myself. Thanks, and looking forward to talking about my fear of dying alone soon. ♦
