Things in My Apartment Rated by How Embarrassed I Am for the Cleaners to Find Them

“Union Busting,” “Court Stacking,” “Deregulating,” and more badges you can earn in our new oligarchy.

Gray Wool Sweater: You are in a TV commercial, struggling to play with your grandchild because of your rheumatoid arthritis.

Journaling and journalism are different. One ends in “-ing” and the other ends in “-ism.”

“Note / Its dimensions on brown paper. Otherwise / In the green field of your imagining.”

By this age, your Elon Musk should be able to wave hello and goodbye and point to Cabinet employees he plans to fire.

You’ve always wanted to live in a novel—and a Margaret Atwood novel is still a novel.

Can you understand the phrases concerning my death? Excellent! You’re doing a great job!

We are currently unable to answer your call, because everyone has been fired except Bob. If this is Melania, press 183 if you wish to accept the buyout.

And just as I realized that, snap!

The Village has lost something. You can’t even get a cup of coffee in the Village anymore unless you go into a building with a store that sells coffee.

Updated on the hour.

A hard day’s work.