As always, please send your advice-column questions (tiny issues preferred; all issues accepted) to dearpepperquestions@gmail.com.
Last time, I flipped the script on you and asked you to answer my questions: What do you think it’s important to be on time to, what should one be early to (and how early should one be), and when should one be late (and how late)? And I was so touched by your wise, thoughtful, funny responses. I’ve included some of your opinions, insights, and theories here, edited for brevity, and illustrated.
Work
Work always finds a way of seeping into my private life (commuting to the office, replying to a late e-mail, attending a team-building day that spills into my family time), so I fight back by being bang on time and making coffee on company time. —Ewa
Be early to auditions and on time to meetings. —Whit
One must never be late to a job interview unless it’s on Zoom, in which case you have a five-minute grace period while the host boots up the app. —Amaya
Some might say that it’s good to be early to job interviews, but, as an occasional interviewer, I don’t want a 10 A.M. interview turning into a 9:50 A.M. interview because the interviewee wanted to show how punctual they are. Leave me alone until the agreed-upon time. —Desirée
Parties
What should one be late to? A party where there are many people invited and you’re not sitting down to a meal. I’d keep it within the hour, but only because I like to be in bed early. —Alexandra
Be early to a party only if you intend to leave as soon as another guest arrives. —Barbara
I think it’s good to be early for your best friend’s party, and the fewer people you know at the party the later you can show up. —Emily
Be late to all parties, unless you’re among the closest friends, or the party is in Sweden. —David
One should never ever be late for a surprise party. If arriving on time is truly impossible, then forget about being a surpriser and arrive late enough to insure that your surprisee(s) will have already arrived and been duly surprised (or mortified or scared out of their wits). —Pippa
If it’s a biggish, casual milling-around party and you sort of dread going because that kind of socializing is scary for you, but sort of also want to go because there are people you like there and you want to show the hosts that you are happy you were invited, go an hour late, or up to a third into the time allotted for the gathering, whichever is less. —Alison
It is O.K. to be late to parties other than dinner parties. But make sure the host sees you at some point during the event. —Robbie
Be late to dinners, parties, and similar gatherings to which you have been invited that have a specific start time—but no more than ten to fifteen minutes late, especially if you’re bringing the appetizer. —Linda
Dates
I think one should be on time for a date. Whether you are being picked up or picking up someone else, reverence for time spent together is the basis of everything. —Sean
I’m in my thirties, and I almost exclusively meet people on dating apps, so, when I go on a first date, I’ve never actually met the person before. My nightmare is walking into a crowded bar and saying, “Are you Ian?” to some unsuspecting man and having him be, like, “Ew, what? No. Are you here on an app date?” and then everyone in the bar is looking at me, and I have to run out before the real Ian arrives and sees me melting into a pool of embarrassment. My solution has been to always be early. This way, I’m the one sitting at the bar watching them awkwardly look for me. Occasionally I’m running “late” (i.e., on time) to a first date, and I will message the person to tell them that I’m running late (i.e., actually late) so that they then arrive late, and I am on time and therefore I am early. —Dani
Be five minutes late to a blind date (even if you have to wait around the corner). —Carol
Restaurants
Always be exactly on time to a restaurant reservation. To the minute. If you’re early, you will end up drinking at the bar and then not choose wisely from the menu. If you’re late, you’ll be sweating on the menu and too flustered to make a good decision. —Sheridan
You should be on time to a restaurant unless it’s brunch, in which case all bets are off. —Anonymous
Movies and Plays
Be late for in-theatre movies (to miss the previews, which are now more like commercials). —Marian
One should be early to the theatre, about twenty minutes, because looking at people and experiencing the transition from daily life to theatre patron is a minor deliciousness to be enjoyed. —Victoria
Kids
You can drop kids off at day care exactly one minute before day care opens. But a late pickup is strongly frowned upon. You always need to be fifteen minutes early to a pediatrician’s appointment, even though the doctor will be twenty minutes late—and make sure to get an early-morning appointment. All this is purely theoretical, though, because if you have children you will be late to everything. —Alma
Never be more than five minutes early to the birthday party of a small child. Especially do not drop off your small child early at the party. Please do not do this. I speak from experience. —Alison
Miscellaneous
Be ten minutes early when meeting people ten-plus years older than you. Be on time when meeting people around your age or younger. —Carol
You should be on time to any event with someone you love or like. You should be early to events with people you don’t particularly like but to whom you want to prove a point or of whom you want to beg a favor. —Anonymous
Be on time when you’re racing nature (like when you’re part of a group of people hoping to catch the sunset at a beach). —Emily
Be up to half an hour early for complex events organized by volunteers; if you know some of the volunteers, offer to help set up. An extra pair of willing hands (or paws) at the last minute can make people very happy. Also, that way no one will mind if you leave early, too. —Alison
You should arrive at the first of any ongoing obligations incredibly late. This way, moving forward, if you’re on time it’s fantastic, but if you’re late again it’s never as bad. —Amaya
Chronic Lateness
As someone who was raised by chronically late parents, I’ve developed real anxiety around being on time. But I have also discovered that being early can cause its own issues. —Leonora
My girlfriend is chronically late, and we would make each other late to our friends’ events. So we instituted a rule: if it’s her or her friend’s event, I can’t be the reason we’re running late, and vice versa. —Grace
Extreme Timeliness
It is important to be on time for rigid older family members and promptness-focussed friends. Not because it is, but because you want to enjoy your subsequent time with them despite their flaws. —Victoria
