Welcome to the COMFORT ZONE, where you’re gonna feel INTENSELY LAID-BACK and AT EASE with the way things are. You will put your FEET UP and let your HAIR DOWN. If your hair is not long enough, we have a box of wigs that you can PAW THROUGH.
We’ve got BEANBAG chairs, and you’re gonna PLOP down in them. If we don’t hear the PLOP, we’ll REPUFF them and make you TRY AGAIN. You don’t just SIT DOWN in the COMFORT ZONE.
We will never challenge you to broaden your horizons—to put yourself OUT THERE or TRY NEW FOODS. Eye-opening experiences are NOT allowed in the COMFORT ZONE. Spouses are welcome as long as they don’t make you TRAVEL or TAKE A POTTERY CLASS.
Your comfort is ALL THAT MATTERS here. That’s why our staff is trained to reinforce EVERY BELIEF you have, no matter how DUMB or HARMFUL it is. If you say POOR PEOPLE can’t be THAT POOR if they have CELL PHONES, our BARTENDER will NOD POLITELY, even though he works DOUBLE SHIFTS and still has trouble PAYING HIS RENT.
The Comfort Zone is NOT COMFORTABLE for our STAFF.
If this is your FIRST TIME in the Comfort Zone, the experience might PARADOXICALLY take you OUT of your comfort zone. If that happens, please head directly to the RUT, which is the MOST COMFORTABLE part of the Zone. We’ve GIVEN UP on cleaning it, but in it you can watch TV shows where all the characters are THE SAME RACE AS YOU. The music is by bands from when you were YOUNG and STILL HAD GOOD POSTURE. There’s even a GUY named MITCH who tells you not to stress over books you’ve never read, because if GATSBY was so GREAT, why didn’t he have an XBOX?
In the Comfort Zone, we fear only TWO THINGS. The first is BEING CHALLENGED IN ANY WAY. When you work out at our gym, no WEIRDLY JACKED OLDER MEN will be permitted to sidle up and show you the RIGHT WAY to use the leg press. Since you’d rather INJURE YOURSELF than be GENTLY CORRECTED, by all means, go ahead and fuck up your back.
The second thing we fear in the Comfort Zone is what happens to the SUN when it GOES DOWN, because we never learned and ARE TOO ASHAMED TO ASK.
It is DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE to learn things LATER IN LIFE.
In the Comfort Zone, we REFUSE TO ADAPT to the norms of a changing society. It’s FINE WITH US if you want to make a WHOLE PRODUCTION of how you don’t know how to say “LATINX,” and then make things EVEN WORSE by openly questioning whether we even need “LATINX” AT ALL, as if that’s something YOU SHOULD DECIDE. People will THINK you’re a dick but won’t SAY IT. Strained silence is the BEST WE CAN DO.
Another thing—if you wear a ball cap, the brim must FACE BACKWARD. Front-facing brims are for UPTIGHT DOOFS and HAT MANNEQUINS. Oh, and if you tell us that front-facing brims are actually MORE COMFORTABLE because of your UNIQUE HEAD SHAPE, then it is time for you to ZIP IT, because all this head-shape talk is MAKING US UNCOMFORTABLE.
The most important thing in the Comfort Zone is that you are COMFORTABLE THE WHOLE TIME. To that end, the Comfort Zone is filled with DOZENS of TINY KNOBS that you must turn ONCE EVERY EIGHTY SECONDS to indicate that you are STILL COMFORTABLE. Failure to TURN THE KNOBS will result in your IMMEDIATE REMOVAL.
You are probably feeling MORE COMFORTABLE ALREADY.
Which brings us back to the WHOLE POINT of the Comfort Zone IN THE FIRST PLACE. And that is: EVERY SINGLE THING about being a person is PROFOUNDLY UNCOMFORTABLE. Life is constantly making unreasonable demands of us, like that we OBEY LAWS or NOT SWEAR AROUND CHILDREN. We deserve a place where we are FREE, where we can BE OURSELVES, no matter how OBJECTIONABLE those selves are.
One more thing: if you stay in the COMFORT ZONE for too long, the outside world will become TOO UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU, and you will have to STAY HERE FOREVER, which we charge an extra NINE BUCKS for. ♦