Hey there, Valued Customer Receiving This Automated E-Mail! Thanks for your payment of $209.34. We have no idea how you got the money to pay us and, honestly, it’s none of our business. If you had to put in sixty-five-hour workweeks, then so be it, hustler! Even though you paid the bill today, it may take us eight business days to withdraw the money from your account, so don’t you go spending this $209.34 on other necessities.
We know that the price isn’t reasonable and that previous bills were lower, but let’s just blame inflation and call it a day. Also, ask yourself, are you really going to switch providers? Pay an extra seventy-five dollars to close your account with us? We didn’t think so. “Cheaper to keep her,” as they say (LOL).
We digress. We’re glad you paid the bill before its due date because we’d really hate to tack on a late fee. Well, a late fee would have been even better (for us, not you). But we would feel awkward politely telling you to pay it. Even worse would be you not paying us, because then we’d have to discontinue your service. Sooo humiliating (for you, not us).
By the way, have you referred our service to any friends or family? We would love for you to—but do us a huge favor? Don’t mention how high the price eventually gets. Tell them about the initial low rate to join and that’s it! They’ll learn the full story later, down the line. For every three friends you sign up, we’ll reward you with a referral credit of eight dollars. It’s the least we could do for a beloved longtime customer.
If you ever need assistance, our customer-service number is listed below. You can call us Tuesday through Wednesday, between the hours of 9 A.M. and 3:08 P.M., except when we’re busy. You’ll chat with an automated-response system that will list a ton of options, none of which will be the one you need. But don’t be discouraged—the robot voice will put you on hold for at least four minutes, at which point you can share your issue with the operator. The operator will then transfer you to another department, where you’ll be put on hold again, but the wait music is lit, so have fun.
You can also go to our Web site and log in to your account. After one wrong password entry, you will be locked out for two weeks, and then we’ll force you to reset it.
Remember, we can always set you up with autopay. Even when the money isn’t in your account, we’ll quietly sneak in there and yank out our cut.
Your confirmation number is WE209ROBBED34U. ♦
