THERAPIST THURSDAY: It's Summertime! What now?

I’ve heard a variety of issues that parents are stressed about when it comes to summertime, friends and clients alike. People are worried, they want to be sure they are providing their kids with the right kind of stimulation, allowing down time, but also not allowing them to spend too much time doing things that could prove harmful to their kids.

I think what it boils down to is that we as parents are confused about what the “right” thing is to do regarding our children.

I hear so many conflicts within parents about so many issues. Parents who are conflicted between the good old-fashioned parenting strategy of allowing kids to roam the streets on their bikes and skateboards until the street lights turn on versus the ideas that the streets are not safe for children anymore and that times have changed and this is less-than-responsible parenting now. Parents who are conflicted with how much video game time to allow their kids and whether or not to give them worksheets or other homework to complete over summer.

Parents who are unsure how much structured versus unstructured time their kids should have. And I think the hardest part is that you can find data to support any of these philosophies, which only leaves us parents more confused. I have three kids and I have to admit that my husband and I have struggled with these same issues and have had multiple conversations about what we want to allow and what we want to expect from our own children.

So, the very first thing I want to be sure to get across is that there is not a clear cut “right or wrong” to any of this, and that it does not make you an uninformed or inferior parent that you are struggling with these issues. We all struggle with these issues!

I firmly believe that much of parenting is making educated guesses and then crossing your fingers that you made the right call! But fortunately, there are a few things that we know for sure, things that can help provide us with some guidance as we make those calls regarding our own children, taking into account each child’s personality, maturity level, and decision-making ability. I’d like to break the issues down into a few categories and provide all you parents with some things to contemplate that may help you figure our what the best decision is for your particular child.

The first issue that I run into pretty much daily in my professional as well as my personal life is how to manage electronics. While I do not believe there is a cookie cutter answer as to what the appropriate amount of time that a child should be on video games or other electronics, I do think there are some issues that can be considered in determining what is the appropriate guidelines for your particular child. Some of these include:

1. What is your child’s response to video game time? For some kids, video games do not impact their emotions at all. For others, it may make them more reactive or more irritable. When deciding what boundaries to set regarding your child, this issue needs to be one of the top considered. For example, one of my children is virtually unaffected by video game time. Due to his age and maturity level, as well as other responsibilities he will be managing this summer, we have decided to allow him more gaming time than his younger brother. Our other son, however, seems to still have difficulty with emotional reactivity if he is on video games for longer than an hour, especially video games that get his fight or flight responses activated, such as Fortnight or Call of Duty. So, he is restricted to an hour and a half of video game time per day, with only an hour of that time to be on Xbox (to limit his time to these types of games that get him in an overly aroused state that impacts his emotional reactivity for the rest of the day).

2. Is there balance in your home when it comes to electronics? Is your child (or you, for that matter) on her phone all day long? Has social media taken over her life? Does he want a selfie of everywhere they’ve gone or everything they’ve done so he can post it? Are they on video games every moment of their free time? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, maybe it’s time to set some boundaries to help create balance, especially with the increased free time summer provides. These boundaries can be about the amount of time phones/ electronics are used, the type of use they may have, the amount of times they can get on social media per day, a time of day that all electronics must be done for the day, or a time that is designated “devise free” time. There are many ways to create boundaries, and fortunately, with the advancements in technology, it’s fairly easy to set these boundaries on the devise themselves.

3. What are your child’s responsibilities or obligations this summer? If your child is very active participating in sports or other activities and manages his time with this well, maybe a little more video game time may be in order once he is ready to unwind. If your child has chores to complete or needs to keep her room clean, maybe the rule is that these things are finished daily before she is allowed to get on video games. If video games hinder the completion of your child’s responsibilities, make some kind of requirement that ensures that these things will be done as well, complete with a consequence if it is not (if video games are the reason he did not complete his responsibility, losing the privilege of playing them for a day or two may be in order).

Another issue I find parents concerned about, is how to manage academics during the summer.

Many have adopted the philosophy that children need ongoing academic stimulation in the form of worksheets or other paper and pencil learning. We have been given many messages about our country being behind academically and our children not getting a sufficient education to be competitive in the workplace as adults. Other people believe that summertime should be for being a kid and that academics do not need to be included in that. Here are some things to consider in deciding how to navigate this issue:

1. What are you hoping to accomplish with your child regarding academics this summer? Is your child behind in a particular subject and you want to use summertime to catch them up? Does your child tend to lose a certain skill to a degree that it hurts his performance the next year if he is away from that subject all summer? If so, worksheets, tutoring, or other exposure to a challenging subject may be in order. But if your goal is to simply keep your child thinking, there are many ways to do this without the use or worksheets or other pencil and paper activities. I do not think there is anything wrong with these activities as long as the time spent doing them is not excessive. However, I do think there are better ways to keep a child educationally engaged and learning about their world than forcing them to sit down to worksheets daily. For example, one may enter their child into a summer reading program. You may make a goal of taking your child to several performance art events during the summer. You can plant a garden with your child and research together all of the things that are required to grow that plant successfully. You can visit museums, visit missions around your state and then learn about the history of each. I personally like to use summer to learn about things we don’t get to learn about in the traditional school setting. For example, when we go to the gas station or the grocery store, I will ask the kids how much they think that outing cost and then discuss how many hours they would need to work at different jobs and what it takes in terms of education and experience to get these different jobs. These conversations have often lead to talks about income tax, education, and many other topics about real life and how it works. Another great idea is to choose a few college campuses to visit and then wander around the campus, finding out what your child likes or doesn’t like about each one, and then researching what it takes to be admitted into that college.

2. Get your child reading this summer! Families are so busy during the school year and kids have so much going on, there is not a lot of time for recreational reading. There is so much research on the benefits that reading offers our brains. And there is no better time than childhood to instill a love for books in your kids. With the time off, summertime is the perfect time to create these habits. But the question becomes, how do we get our kids invested in this idea. There are many ways to be creative with this. One of the things we’ve done in our family over the last few summers is to have our kids earn their screen time by reading. So, if they read an hour, they can have their video game time (the ratio of one for the other has varied at different ages). I have found it to be a way to keep them reading as well as creating a love for books, especially when we visit the library bi-weekly where they can choose what they want to read and also learn how to find books within the library. Another great idea is to start a book club with your child, where both of you read the same book and then visit somewhere special every week or so to discuss what you read (there are many book club questions online for lots of books). I did this with my son a few years ago to create enjoyment in reading. He was hooked in by the idea that he and I would have our book club meetings at the ice cream shop without his siblings. Because we were reading Harry Potter, we watched each movie together at the end of the book. Then I allowed him to have a ditch day from school and the two of us went to visit Harry Potter land at Universal Studios when I opened a few years back. You can make a point to read a certain book and then have a special movie night where you watch the movie of the book you just read.

I view summertime as an opportunity to accomplish a few things. I think its so important to have down time, and summertime is the perfect time for kids (and parents) to do this. There is a plethora of research that supports the idea that recreation is just as important as other activities we do in life. Also, childhood is the only time in most peoples lives where they have the opportunity to have a whole season off for recreation, and it’s a time that should be cherished! Also, one of my personal goals in the summer is to provide opportunities for real life learning, as described above. It’s a great time to spend some time with your kids teaching them about life through natural experiences. This accomplishes the goal of teaching kid’s great life lessons but also improving the bond between parent and child and adding to positive memories and relationship building that comes from spending time together. And finally, creating memories together as a family is so valuable. Having that unstructured family time to “just be” together. This summer my family has created a “family bucket list” with such things on it as flying a kite, the kids making dinner, and going to the drive-in.

Whatever you decide is best for your child and your family, I think the guidelines of limiting screen time, working on balance, creating life learning and memory building experiences, and allowing time for recreation, are all things to consider. I encourage you not to overthink these issues and not to stress too much if you’re doing it “right”. I think if you can realize that there is no “right”, but focus instead on what your child needs along the way, your child will have a great childhood and a memorable summer!

If you have a topic you'd like to see addressed on Therapist Thursday, please email Rochelle at meetme4therapy@gmail.com.

Rochelle Whitson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Temecula, CA. She is also author of the blog www.meetme4therapy.com.