Hardworking moms don't want your pity. They do want support

I hear “I’m sorry” a lot. It usually pops up after I’ve mentioned my seemingly never-ending to-do list, sleepless nights or generally feeling defeated when parenting isn’t going according to my plan (ha, my plan).

It’s meant to be sympathetic: "I'm sorry you're struggling with that" or "I'm sorry, that sucks."

But I leave those conversations feeling worse. Yet, I've said "sorry" to other moms, too.

What's with all the apologizing?

“'I’m sorry' definitely communicates pity that their circumstances are bad and regrettable, but that’s certainly not how most moms think of having children,” said Eileen Kennedy-Moore, author of Raising Emotionally and Socially Healthy Kids.

She’s right. I don’t regret having a baby. I love my son. I love him so much I didn’t even realize love like this was possible. Keeping him safe and healthy and happy is a lot of work. I don’t regret doing it, it’s just really hard.

What should we be saying instead? Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist in Princeton, N.J., suggests phrases such as:

• It sounds like you are handling a lot.
• Your kids are lucky to have you. 
• You are definitely giving this a lot of thought. 
• You care a lot about doing what's right for your kids.

Never say: "You should just" do this or "you shouldn't worry" about that, she said. 

'Mom guilt'

Moms are pulled in many directions, often feeling like they're not doing anything well,  Pew Research Center reported in 2015. In a survey, it found that many full-time working moms say:

• They spend too little time with their children (4 in 10)
• They spend too little time with their partners (44%)
• It's harder to advance at work (4 in 10)
• They always or sometimes feel rushed (86%)
• They don't have time away from kids to see friends or pursue hobbies (6 in 10)

In households with two full-time working parents, though the majority say tasks related to the kids are shared equally, when it's not equal it's still more likely for mom to bear the brunt. For instance, 31% say mother does more in handling chores, while only 9% say father does more; 47% say mom takes care of the kids when they're sick vs. just 6% for dads.

"Our jobs are generally not recognized," said Anna Berry, mom and corporate relations manager with MOPS International, a faith-based organization facilitating support groups for moms. "In mom's head, she knows everything that's not getting done. What she needs from other people … is to point out the things that she is doing well."

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Many single moms face even greater challenges, as a third of them are living in poverty,theU.S. Census Bureau reported in 2017. 

More often than not, these "sheroes" are fielding judgment (even from other moms) and battling the worst critic of all — themselves.

"There are so many negatives that we encounter all the time," said Jacqueline Plumez, Larchmont, N.Y., psychologist and author of The Bitch in Your Head. 

MOM SAYS:Natural birth? Getting sleep? Let's stop being polite and just be honest

Before it gets too hard

Plumez said moms and those around them should realize that negative self-talk isn't healthy, and recognize when a mom needs help, whether from her partner, friends and family or a mental health professional.

ESSAY:Parenting is freaking hard and we should be honest about it

Loved ones can also say:

• You are putting too much pressure on yourself. 
• I think you are taking on too much responsibility for this problem. 

Plumez said when her son refused to complete homework, she tried a variety of tactics to change his ways. Ultimately, she realized it wasn't her responsibility to make him complete his homework. It was his decision, and he was going to have to discover the consequences. 

"It’s a whole lot easier being a psychologist than a mother," Plumez said. "It’s the hardest job."

It's important to understand every mom is different, and every situation is different, Kennedy-Moore said. If you are unsure of how to support a mom, simply ask her:

• What can I do to help?

Chances are, she doesn't hear that much.

Ashley May documented her pregnancy on Due Date. The mom to a now 1-year-old is also the force behind USA TODAY's Mom Bod series, encouraging women to love their postpartum bodies. Follow her on Twitter: @AshleyMayTweets