Devaki dd
Violence is never justified. It is Vaishnava aparadha to beat a devotee, including one’s wife or one’s husband. Sometimes we tend to treat our family members like we would never dare to treat any other devotee. It comes about through the phenomena of overfamiliarity. We know each other so well-we know each other’s weaknesses-and due to the fact that we deal with each other on a daily basis in an intimate way, we take each other lightly and lose deep respect for each other. And as a result we might be throwing all kinds of things at each other’s head in ego battles-verbally or physically. There are two kinds of violence: to the gross body and to the subtle body. Out of the two the last one is much more painful. We find the confirmation in the following verse: Srimad-Bhagavatam (11.23.3): “Sharp arrows which pierce one’s chest and reach the heart do not cause as much suffering as the arrows of harsh, insulting words that become lodged within the heart when spoken by uncivilized men.” Of course, here the term “uncivilized men” includes women-it refers to human beings. The violence to the subtle body is often undetected because we can’t see any gross results, as we can see with violence to the gross body. A wife who was beaten by her husband might show a black eye and other injuries, but a husband who was a victim of subtle violence by his wife will have nothing to show. One needs to be able to look deeper in order to understand the effects of subtle violence, and one needs to understand a man’s heart and how painful it is for him. Since women’s energy is very powerful, so much more powerful than men’s energy, her insulting words are so much more powerful and painful than a man’s insulting words. In this regard we have a nice example in the Srimad-Bhagavatam of the story with Dhruva Maharaja being insulted by his stepmother, Suniti. Her words pierced his kshatriya heart, so much so that he left for the forest. We women are very expert in dislodging these sharp arrows of insulting words. We find this confirmed in Srila Prabhupada’s purport to Srimad-Bhagavatam 9.18.16: “i It is the nature of women to fight verbally at even a slight provocation. As we see from this incident, this has been their nature for a long, long time…..” Intuitively we know the power of our sharp words, and we use this weapon almost every day. Statistics in America show that around 80 percent of all women living with a partner make one mistake: as soon as he comes home from work, within the first five minutes when entering the door she gets on his case, “Oh, you are again too late, why didn’t you ring me…..? You forgot to buy the milk again…..! This morning you didn’t take down the rubbish ….” Within the first five minutes she is harassing and chastising him, without realizing how devastating the injuries are to a man’s heart inflicted by her harsh and cutting words. Therefore Vaishnava etiquette instructs us that a wife should never speak harsh and insulting words to her husband. And this is not only in the marriage relationship, but in all relationships between men and women. It is considered to be extremely low class and uncultured for a woman to speak harshly towards a man.
Men must give up violence to the gross body-especially towards a woman. It is considered very disgraceful and shameful to perform violence towards women. To beat a wife or any woman is a very perverted and desperate way of establishing one’s superiority simply through one’s physical strength. A man who takes to such measures will receive reactions, punishment and suffering for committing Vaisnava aparadha. There is no possibility for pure bhakti to sprout in such a person’s heart.
Women should give up violence to the subtle body-especially towards a man. Let us remember that it is our false ego prompting us to do so. The urge to speak is very strong; it is one of the most difficult urges to control. These are the moments when we factually make spiritual progress, when we become more aware of our false ego pushing us to say things we should not say and don’t want to say, and which are painful and devastating to others, especially to men. Just that little remark we might make, showing that we know it all better and thus establishing our superior position, is cutting a man’s heart into a thousand pieces. Therefore Vaishnava etiquette tells us that we should never answer back, especially to a husband or any other superior. As men take to the perverted means to establish their superiority through gross physical violence, in the same way we women try to establish our superiority through subtle violence. It is also Vaishnava aparadha, and we will receive reactions, punishment and suffering for our activities. There is no possibility for pure bhakti to sprout in such a person’s heart.