Positive Relationships: Working With Parents - Kith and kin

When practitioners open their doors at the beginning or end of the day, it is not uncommon to find grandparents, aunties and uncles, as well as family friends, waiting to collect children on behalf of their working parents. However, an increasing number of children live with family members or friends on a full-time basis.

This arrangement is known as kinship care, officially defined as ‘relatives, friends and other people with a prior connection with somebody else’s child who are caring for him or her full-time’ (Department for Education 2011).

The official number of children in England living in kinship care arrangements is estimated to be around 173,200. However, taking informal arrangements into consideration, the number could be closer to 300,000.

There are two reasons for this increase: first, family breakdown is escalating due, for example, to the effects of mental health problems, teenage pregnancy, safeguarding issues, drug misuse and imprisonment, with children caught in the corresponding fall-out.

Secondly, the 1989 Children Act recommended that when local authorities are considering care arrangements for children who can no longer live with their birth parents, the extended family should be the preferred option rather than other care arrangements. Although the majority of kinship carers are grandparents (44 per cent), one third are older siblings.

We undertook some research with kinship families over the course of two years to find out what their lives were like.

We asked kinship carers and children living in kinship families what they would like practitioners to know so that they could be supported effectively.

REWARDS AND CHALLENGES

Many kinship carers spoke of happy times with their children and the reward of knowing that the children were safe, as articulated by one kinship carer: ‘I look at a photograph of when our girls came to us. They had been in care and seen drugs and all sorts of things they shouldn’t have. Their eyes were dead. Now I look at them and there is a spark in their eyes again. They are in a safe place and thriving.’

However, despite intermittent joy, the lives of kinship carers are frequently blighted by multiple adversities.

Financial pressures

The complicated legal status of kinship children means that some carers are entitled to minimal financial support, while others receive none at all and are forced to draw on their savings. Many carers reported that they have had to go into debt to pay for legal and everyday living expenses. ‘It is hard spreading the finances from two of you to four of you,’ said one carer with only a pension as their income.

Certain times of the year, such as Christmas and birthdays, are particularly difficult for kinship carers. They want to give their children treats, but as one said, ‘Buying birthday presents is stressful.’

Practice points

• Be aware that paying for nursery trips or other additional expenditure may cause difficulties.
• A discreet conversation offering to make a contribution to their costs from a hardship fund may relieve some of kinship carers’ worries.

Complex needs

Many kinship children have complex needs – for example, 59 per cent have a special educational need or disability and 48 per cent have emotional and behavioural difficulties. Up to a third of them have a foetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD), while others live with the consequences of experiencing early neglect and abuse.

Research has shown that kinship carers are often thrown by the difficult behaviour of the child, often leading to kinship carer depression, which can negatively influence the child’s behaviour further. However, many carers are aware that children’s behaviour patterns are linked to their poor attachments.

Speaking of her granddaughter, one kinship carer confided, ‘I’d like help with coping with her attachment disorder and ADHD, to know how to respond to her sexualised behaviour and keep her safe.’

While some kinship children may be able to resume a positive relationship with their birth parents, many are unable to do so. Inconsistent contact between the child and their birth parents can exacerbate attachment problems. One kinship grandparent noted, ‘I sometimes think it would be better for my granddaughter if my daughter had died.’ From her granddaughter’s perspective, she explained, her mum, as caring and loving parent, ‘dies every time she doesn’t turn up or walks away’, leaving her granddaughter feeling ‘rejected all over again’.

Children with an insecure attachment often struggle to establish and sustain trusting friendships. Many of the kinship carers in our research hoped practitioners would support the children in forming positive relationships with peers. ‘She needs help making friends – she has none at school,’ said one, while another noted, ‘He finds it hard to get close to people that matter to him, even though he really wants to.’

Practice points

• Establishing a secure bond with the child is an important first step in supporting them to make friends. This can provide a protective factor against the difficult emotions that they may be experiencing.
• Review your behaviour management policy and agree the appropriate response for children with attachment disorders and/or post-traumatic stress disorder.
• Avoid adding to a carer’s stress by staying as calm and positive as possible when discussing the children, without being false.
• Seek specialist help as soon as possible if required and discuss your aims with the carer, as this will go some way to alleviate any sense that they are being judged for the child’s difficulties.

Kinship carer isolation

While many new parents experience feelings of isolation, kinship carers are particularly susceptible to this. One kinship carer said, ‘I’m lonely – as a single grandparent I gave up work, friends, my whole network. Now I can’t face getting in the car. I’m tired’; while another commented, ‘I feel as if I’m not a part of the human race. My world is so small – it’s just about me and my granddaughter.’ It may be that collecting their child from nursery is the main contact that the kinship carer has with those outside their home.

Practice points

• Create opportunities to bring the community of parents and carers together and so facilitate friendships, but be sure to take a sensitive approach.
• Be aware that those struggling with private pain and anxiety over perceived stigma surrounding their family circumstances may feel that they do not fit in with more traditional family units, and so may need a designated support group.
• Take a sensitive approach to building trusting relationships with kinship families. Once built, it may be that the carer will be open to suggestions for getting involved with the life of the setting. For example, when holding a Christmas party, you could ask if they would be willing to sell refreshments. This would alleviate the need to make small talk with other parents but still allow them to feel involved.
  
  

Beware of patronising platitudes

While it is rare to find a kinship carer who regrets the decision to look after their child, many are motivated by a sense of instinctive obligation. Given the choice, they would rather not be in the position that they find themselves in.

One frequent practitioner comment that rankled was, ‘You’re doing a great job’, as carers felt it was uttered with as much thought as ‘good morning’. ‘This is not my job; I have no choice,’ was the annoyed response.

Practice points

Ensure that encouragement is genuine and specific to ensure that the carer does not feel patronised. For example, ‘You did really well to keep calm just then when Kieran had a tantrum – he is definitely getting over tantrums more quickly.’

Beware of tipping points

Despite the very real adversities faced by kinship carers, research indicates that outcomes for children raised in kinship care frequently fare better, and certainly no worse, than children raised in other care arrangements. Keeping children in kinship care means that the children may maintain relationships with their parents and possibly other siblings. Having a permanent home enables children to feel a sense of family belonging and well-being.

However, nearly half of kinship carers struggle to cope with their children and there is the ever-present risk that the placement could break down.

Practice points

Be alert to any signs that a break-down may be imminent and take steps to prevent this by instigating the support of other professionals. For example, you can instigate multi-agency support as well as signposting the carer to other services, such as a local kinship care support group.

FINAL WORD

Every kinship care family has been formed by a different set of circumstances. Each family has its own strengths that can support them to develop and maintain the necessary resilience to respond to the adversities they face. By being aware of the needs, strengths and aspirations of each unique child, you as an early years practitioner can be an advocate for kinship families, often at times when they find it difficult to do so for themselves, so that the very best outcomes are realised.

MORE INFORMATION

‘Grandparents’ charity wins kinship carer funding’, ‘Old hands?’ by Annette Rawstrone and ‘A grey area for managers?’ by Richard O’Neill are at: www.nurseryworld.co.uk

Farmer E (2009) ‘Making Kinship Care Work’, Adoption & Fostering, 33 (3), 15-27

Gautier A and Wellard S (2014)Disadvantage, discrimination, resilience: the lives of kinship carers. Grandparents Plus, http://bit.ly/2y93yIZ

Poehlmann Jet al (2008) ‘Representations of family relationships in children living with custodial grandparents’, Attachment & Human Development, 10 (2), 165-188

Nicola Stobbs and Alison Prowle are senior lecturers at the Centre for Children and Families, University of Worcester.

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