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Stop 'Dealing' With Difficult People And Start Taking Some Responsibility

Forbes Coaches Council
POST WRITTEN BY
Catherine Mattice Zundel

I’m not a big fan of the term “difficult people” because it assumes they can all be lumped into one category. Usually, we’re talking about a variety of people: the downer, the impossible to please, the defensive one, the one-upper, the show-off, the pushover, the helpless victim, the bad listener, the self-centered, or the passive aggressive.

As an expert in workplace bullying, I often hear about difficult people like these.

But the reason we’ve come to lump them all together is because they all have things in common, and the key to resolving your issues with them is one in the same.

1. They don’t know they are perceived as negative. Complainers honestly believe they are on the receiving end of bad things. Bad listeners think they are good conversationalists. Bullies think they are just demonstrating good management skills.

2. They are seeking acceptance. In fact, we all are. Unfortunately for difficult people, the very trait they are using to gain acceptance and validation is the very trait that drives people away.

3. They are lacking social and emotional intelligence. If they had it, they would notice that people cringe when they start yammering on about their weekend, or shrink down in their chair when they start one-upping others.

4. They take away your power. This is most important for you to understand. Gossipers leave you wondering if they gossip about you. Time suckers steal your precious time away from you. Poor listeners leave you feeling like you weren’t heard. Passive aggressive behavior leaves you guessing and feeling not in control. We like to be in control of ourselves and surroundings – it’s an innate human need. Difficult people rob that from you, and that’s what makes them difficult.

Resolving Your Issues With Difficult People

1. Recognize there’s something to learn about yourself.

It’s easy to say, “If only they’d stop doing X, my life would be easier.” But this isn’t useful. You can’t change this person, you can only change yourself.

Try to understand why this person bugs you so you can work through it. Do they remind you of someone you don’t like? Do they bring up baggage for you? Using myself as an example, I am a very scheduled, on-the-move type of person because that’s how my mom was growing up. Thanks to her, I’ve been on the move since I was born. If I feel like someone is sucking up my time with their lengthy story, it’s on me to remember it’s not the person who is difficult, it’s my own issue that facilitates my perception. 

2. Ask questions.

Now, that you've taken back control by understanding your emotions, you’re ready to ask questions. He who asks questions holds the power in a conversation, and you might even get the opportunity to understand this person better. Ask, “Can you tell me what’s going on so I can understand where you’re coming from?”

Imagine if in the midst of a gossipy rant, you asked this question. It’s sure to end the gossip, and you may even get to learn a little about this person. They may even ask, “What do you mean?” Now you can share with them you’ve noticed the gossip, and you were just trying to understand what’s happening. You’ve set the course for a conversation that positions you as empathetic — not accusatory or judgmental.

If this question doesn’t help put a stop to the gossip, then try: “What is your intention in telling me this story?”

In other words, the key here is to simply ask. If someone is taking up your time blabbing on about their weekend, try: “Do you mind if I finish what I’m working on, and then if I have time later today I’ll stop in and you can finish your story?”

If someone is a perpetual exaggerator, try: “When you say John is always late, you mean sometimes, right?”

And in the case of the non-listener, try, “Would it bother you to know I feel like you’re not listening to me?”

3. Finally, talk to the other person about their behavior in private.

The key here is to focus on what you do want, not on what you don’t want. If you want someone to stop being late, that means you want them to be on time, and that’s what you should focus on. If you want someone to stop being passive aggressive, you want them to be a team player, and that’s what you should focus on.

Find a neutral place for your conversation, and provide specific examples.

Also, be open to the other person’s feedback, as they will have something to say. Don’t focus on “fixing” the difficult personality problems, because at the end of the day, you can’t fix anyone. All you can do is set boundaries that work for you and have a collaborative conversation about your relationship.

In the end, it’s all about action rather than reaction. In martial arts, action refers to being prepared, aware of your instincts, and choosing actions wisely. Reaction refers to indulgent auto-motor defense. In other words, people who react throw a punch without thinking through their next steps. People who focus on action don’t throw a punch unless they absolutely have to.

Breathe, focus on your actions, and take carefully plotted steps to adjust your perceptions of this difficult person. React, and you just might be the difficult person in the room.