May 28 is National Burger Day. It also marks the day I came into this world, a fate seemingly promised by the universe. Arriving a day earlier would have forever linked me to National Grape Popsicle Day.
I was born a carnivore and will die (early, no doubt) a carnivore. Sharing my day with burgers not only gives me a cool, sharp-toothed identity, it provides needed rationalization when I go Animal Style on a late-night Double Double, surviving that walk of shame as I hide my wrappers in the bottom of the recycling bin.
“I can’t help it,” I mutter to myself. “I was born to eat burgers.”
Celebrating my birthday on Memorial Day weekend painted the same annual scene. Pop would crush a six-pack of Hamm’s as he strictly followed our family’s burger bylaws — hand-forming patties (a thumbprint in the middle), nestling them onto a hot Weber, and repeating the Hale motto: “if ya ain’t et meat, ya ain’t et.”
My dad knew what scientists discovered years later. Humans love hamburgers because the grilled ground beef creates a unique mixture of fat and umami, the so-called sixth flavor. And some scientific formula called the Maillard Reaction creates a powerful stimuli to all humans — even the ones devoted to eating roots and herbs.
Now, the Hale burger bylaws:
• A burger is not a sandwich, and must not be constructed as such. A burger is a burger because it contains a grilled or griddled beef patty, not lunch meat.
• The patty is not meatloaf, so there will be no addition of onions, garlic or breadcrumbs to the mix.
• Use freshly ground beef (we use chuck) with 20 percent to 25 percent fat content (fat means flavor, and must be rendered to fuse with the meat).
• Cook the patties right from the refrigerator to ensure the fat begins in a solid state.
• Without overworking the meat, form patties about 3/4 inches thick (pre-cooked weight of about 7-8 ounces), with a dimple in the middle to ensure even cooking.
• For seasoning use liberal amounts of salt, applied to the exterior of the patty only.
• Turn burgers only once (3 minutes on each side for medium rare), and do not press down on the patties with your spatula, or you could be slapped with it. Let it rest before serving.
• When making a cheeseburger, use two slices of American cheese. No arguments.
• Remember, your juicy umami bomb needs a counterbalance of something acidic or fermented, so pickles, a vinegary slaw or a zippy ketchup are essential.
• The bun-to-burger ratio is critical. Too much bread ruins the experience. Buy a soft roll (we prefer potato buns), but it needs to be sturdy enough to hold up against the grease, and the gnashing of teeth.
When you venture out into the world in search of your own perfect burger, you will find three styles: the fast-food burger; the thin, smashed diner burger; and the plump, pub-style burger seen in restaurants.
The Monterey Peninsula is not exactly a hamburger-lover’s paradise, with very few burger-focused joints. Here is a list of my favorite burgers around town:
Best fast-food burger: Easy choice. In-N-Out makes the best burger at the best price. Because of its social conscience, In-N-Out is often a favorite of anti-franchise folks, and is frequented by every chef I know. Celebrity chefs Gordon Ramsay, Thomas Keller, Anthony Bourdain and Mario Batali also rave about In-N-Out.
Best diner burger: I’m going off the beaten path here with El Estero Snack Bar, the shack near Dennis the Menace Park (777 Pearl St., Monterey). Amid the array of sno-cones, ice cream and candy you will find a fine burger (order the double cheeseburger). Tip: Call 372-8446 before you head out, because they seem to keep odd hours.
Best fusion burger: Mundos Cafe on North Fremont Street in Monterey makes a killer Choriqueso Burger, a beef patty melded with chorizo, topped with melty mozzarella, lettuce, tomatoes, onions and their creamy Mundos dressing ($7.99).
Best restaurant burger: La Bicyclette’s Velo Burger (lunch only) gets my vote. This decadent burger comes with Vermont cheddar, fire-roasted tomato jam, caramelized onions, lettuce, mayo, and a side of pommes frites ($18). Add applewood smoked bacon and avocado for $1.50 each.
Best fully loaded burger: Vaquero Burger at Cannery Row Brewing Co. comes with applewood smoked bacon, Tillamook Cheddar, beer-battered onion rings, housemade BBQ sauce ($16.95).
Best dive bar burger: This is a tie between the Monster Burger at Loulou’s Griddle in the Middle on Municipal Wharf No. 2 (1/2 pound patty with the works; $8.95), and the Bulldog burger at Monterey’s Bulldog Pub, with sautéed onions and mushrooms, Swiss these and bacon ($9.50).
Best decadent burger: Another tie. The Kobe Burger at Montrio Bistro in Monterey is topped with chef Tony Baker’s own brand of back bacon, 2-year white Cheddar, pickled red onions and a fried egg ($22 with house fries). Edgar’s at Quail Lodge uses truffled brie in its Truffle Burger, with crispy shallots, bacon, and avocado on a brioche bun. ($22, including a side).
You’re all set for the big day. Either make your own, or head out on the town for some of these favorites. Or if you’re feeling really frisky, spend all day at Quail Lodge to prove you are the ultimate Burgermeister.
Quail offers a May 28 promotion that invites you to eat at least three “burger” meals at the resort and post social media photos to prove it. Winners will receive a $25 gift card and be entered for a chance to win a night’s stay in a deluxe guest room.
There are four “burgers” to choose from: The above-mentioned truffle burger, The Covey breakfast “burger” on a buttermilk biscuit, the Edgar’s lunch burger, and an assortment of beef sliders, with aged Cheddar, caramelized onions and special sauce.
You may want to rent a wheelchair and an able-bodied assistant to cart you home.
Mike Hale can be reached at thegrubhunter@att.net. Listen to his weekly radio show “Food Fodder” at noon Wednesdays on KRML, 102.1 FM.
