Yeah, yeah, it's the age-old stereotype that women take too long in the bathroom (cue laugh track). But guys get preoccupied in there too. Here's what we do when we're "getting ready" for longer than 10 minutes.
1. Wipe up the stray hairs from every surface. If we've entered the bathroom, even for a few seconds, chances are we've shed an entire coat of our thick fur all over every conceivable surface.
2. Towel off our balls. I cannot express to you how fun this is. It's distracting.
3. Just kind of find ourselves masturbating. You're just messing around with your junk and eventually realize you're sort of masturbating so you're like, "All right ... Might as well keep going."
4. Pretend to pee in the shower. If we angle it right, the water can cascade off our penis and it looks funny.
5. Pee in the shower. I don't think I have to explain the difference.
6. Catch water in our scrotum. Everyone does that thing where you collect water in your hands, and then splash it on the wall or dump it on the floor. It's also possible to stretch out your scrotum and do basically the same thing.
7. Look in the mirror and keep changing positions until it looks like we kind of have abs. Lighting adjustments may be necessary.
8. Sit in the shower. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who sit in the shower, and people who have never tried sitting in the shower.
9. Do the Buffalo Bill thing in the mirror. Singing "Goodbye, Horses" and whispering, "I'd fuck me," is optional.
10. Shave our balls. This is time-consuming and elaborate and basically requires some advanced yoga moves to really get in there. And god help us if our hand slips.
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