So, you've got some kinks. For years, you have kept them locked safely away in your brain. Now you've screwed up your courage and you're ready to tell your partner about your kinks. As a professional dominatrix and a lifelong kinkster, I am well versed in the ways of the kinky disclosure, and I am here to help you move from horny hopes to real-life kinky action.
1. Before you begin, be relaxed and confident.
As celebrated advice columnist Dan Savage has often said, coming out about your kinky interests shouldn't be like disclosing a cancer diagnosis. Most of us with kinks have disclosed them to a previous partner, only to be met with shock or disgust. That experience leads us to approach telling our partners with some nervousness, but unfortunately that can set you up for failure. Nerves and worries spread easily, particularly to someone who knows you well, so bring up your kinks when you're feeling especially good about yourself.
2. Be simple, sober, and calm.
When you're talking about your kinks at first, have the conversations sober, with your clothes on, and when the two of you are not having a raging fight. You should both be in a good mood and have a little bit of time free to discuss this stuff. It's not necessarily a conversation you need to schedule in advance, but it's an important one; give it the space, time, and care it deserves.
3. Tell your partner the sexiest parts about your kinks — and what they might get out of them.
Whether your kink is getting tied up and spanked, or pegging your partner with a strap-on penis, when you roll it out, you should make your kinks sound as tempting and delightful as you know them to be! Temptation and delight, of course, are a two-way street. When your partner is indulging your kinks, they are also getting something in return — namely, a hot, horny, and responsive you. Kink, fetish, and BDSM are intense, and even someone who doesn't have a longstanding interest can get off on that delicious intensity. Say something like, "When you spank my butt, it turns me into a horny, wet she-devil who is ready to jump on your dick!" That's likely to go down well.
4. Make sure your partner knows that you love what they do now in bed.
In fact, if your partner is a lousy lover, you might need to work on their basic skills in bed before bringing kink up. By basic skills, I don't mean blow jobs or nipple play; I mean communicating, listening, and reading the reactions of one's partner. If your partner is a great lover, bring that up. Say, "I really love it when you do x, y, and z, and I thought I would share the secrets to driving me wild!" Or, "I don't talk about this stuff with everyone, but I feel that you get me so well that we could have a lot of fun with this fantasy of mine…"
5. For goodness sake, start slow.
You've been reading erotica or watching the acrobatics of porn actors, and expecting that you can pull off the same feats the first time you try something. But let's say you've been fantasizing about getting your partner to wait on you hand and foot, tying them to the bed, calling them humiliating names, and sitting on their face. There's no need to launch into that whole scene all at once — you might find that just tying them to the bed will be a powerful aphrodisiac. Over time, you can add in more bits of your fantasy.
6. Answer your partner's questions patiently and fully.
You've probably been thinking, reading, and dreaming about kinky stuff for years, and you might be a bit annoyed if your partner's response is to ask a bunch of ignorant-sounding kink-101-type questions. For example, in daily life, we try to avoid things that hurt. So if you want your partner to do something to you that you might find painful, they might be confused. Kinky folks know lots of reasons you might want that pain — you enjoy the endorphin rush or bearing something difficult for your partner or the feeling of loss of control — but that's not common knowledge. Part of what makes kink sexy is that it goes against a lot of our social norms, so it's normal for someone who's new to kink to have lots of questions.
7. Be aware that they might've had a bad kink experience in the past.
Some people are turned off to kink because their most hated ex was kinky, or someone they know had a bad experience. There are also people all over the world who use kink as an excuse for abuse or as a reason to be a selfish lover. Good kink involves thorough negotiation, and mutual and informed consent, but lots of people have had experiences with kink practiced badly or unethically. If your partner is once burned, twice shy about kink, talking about how consent works might help them over the hump. If issues of past abuse come up, Kitty Stryker's Consent Culture page has a great list of resources.
8. Be willing to indulge your partner's kinks.
Ask, "Is there anything that I can do that really floats your boat?" You can each try making a list of your sexual interests or working through a BDSM checklist. You both might find some intriguing — and unexpected — matches! Maybe you're interested in kinky play where you're under your partner's control, and your partner wants to see you in stockings, high heels, and suspenders. You might not care about stockings and suspenders, but you enjoy the feeling of wearing them for your partner. Win-win.
9. Speaking of your partner's kinks, have an open mind about them.
We are all fans of our own kinks, but if your partner brings up a kink that seems weird or that you've never heard of, it might be a challenge to give it a try. Part of good sex is letting go of our hang-ups and trying new things; of course, you should not do anything that violates your own limits and ethics, and sometimes you just don't like something — but if you find yourself wrinkling your nose for no apparent reason, you might want to do a bit of soul-searching.
10. Take a break from kink from time to time.
It's great to have your kinks indulged, but your sex life shouldn't be all kink all the time, particularly with a new-to-kink partner. Anything done to excess becomes boring. Besides, you might also find that opening up to each other's kinks brings you closer together, and that ongoing closeness can make even the simplest act of intimacy better and more meaningful.
11. Know that it's OK if someone just isn't into your kinks.
Sometimes a partner is just not ready to go there with you. If so, then you need to decide: Are these kinks essential to me? Sex is a core part of a relationship but it's not always the most important part, and it is perfectly OK to decide to put your kinks on the shelf in order to preserve an otherwise great relationship. If your kinks are necessary to you, it might be worth booking a few sessions with a kink-friendly therapist to talk things out. If you believe that no kink is a deal-breaker for you, you might be sexually incompatible, and it might be time to open the relationship up or to end it.
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