The X Factor: how will Simon Cowell make his return?

If last year's series of The X Factor proved anything, it's that the show is nothing without Simon Cowell. As a producer, Cowell has a keener eye for detail than anyone else. As a judge, Cowell's opinion carries more weight than anyone else's. Without Cowell acting as a keystone, everything falls apart. The acts get worse, the performances get worse, Louis Walsh gets more airtime. It's horrible.

Cowell shouldn't be as watchable as he is – he's a middle-aged man with a terrible dress sense and a history of producing bad music – but he's also an inimitable presence. Look at Britain's Got Talent – without him, the show disappeared down a black hole to such an extent that nobody can even remember who won it. But his presence this year was a revitalising force. He didn't just make the show good again, he managed to restore dancing dogs to the national consciousness.

It's the same with The X Factor. Cowell may have traded much of his early venom for a creepy winking softness, but he still knows the power of a good line. Without him around last year, the judges were all content to repeat themselves again and again until everyone got bored. The show needs him.

Perhaps that's why The X Factor's executive producer Richard Holloway sought to calm everyone's nerves this week by announcing in a Guardian interview that Simon Cowell would definitely appear in this year's series. God knows he needed to. So far, barring appearances from the incomprehensibly furious Mel B, The X Factor's audition shows have been almost totally without highlight. If this malaise continues through to the live shows, we're all in for a dreary winter.

Of course, the promise came with a caveat. According to Holloway, Cowell will appear on The X Factor this year, but only "in some guise somewhere. That's all I'm prepared to say … It's not a hologram."

So, although we'll all have to forlornly reconcile ourselves to the fact that we won't see a hologram of Simon Cowell – not even the head of hologram Simon Cowell grafted on to the gyrating body of hologram Tupac Shakur – we can still try to guess the way in which Cowell will show up. Here are my current favourite theories.

Appearing in the flesh

There's a chance that Cowell could jet back from Los Angeles to make sporadic appearances on The X Factor, like Len Goodman does whenever Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing With the Stars coincide. But Cowell has been vocally against this idea for years and, besides, who'd give up hanging out with Britney Spears in LA in order to spend an evening in Wembley sitting next to Gary Barlow?

Flying everyone to the US

Perhaps Cowell will fly all the contestants out to LA for a spot of midweek mentoring once the live shows get going. It'd be expensive, but would get him on the show – as well as guaranteeing loads of breathless, "Oh my God, I just met Simon Cowell," pre-song intro packages from the performers.

Skype

Last year, Simon Cowell would occasionally pop up on The Xtra Factor by Skyping through his laptop's webcam. That could feasibly happen on the main show this year, but it'd have to be better implemented: during those spots, not only did Cowell clearly have his eye off the ball, but he actually looked content. It was weird.

Cowell stand-in

Failing that, Simon Cowell could follow the lead of George Bluth Sr from Arrested Development and hire a Larry Middleman-style surrogate; someone paid to stand in for Cowell as he watches remotely, repeating everything he says as he says it. This option has heaps of potential. Especially if the surrogate turns out to be David Hasselhoff.

Teddy Ruxpin

If that's too much effort, there's nothing to stop Cowell from simply recording a list of generic disparaging remarks on to a cassette tape, slotting it into an old Teddy Ruxpin and posting it to London. Whenever it's Cowell's turn to speak, Louis Walsh could press play and let it roll for 30 seconds or so.

Appearing as a malevolently omniscient mist

Or maybe a single unblinking eye that takes up an entire studio wall. Or maybe he could possess an audience member. Or style the entire studio floor to look exactly like his face, with a mouth and set of eyebrows that can move to convey emotions, as controlled by a panel of smiley-face buttons backstage.

What do you think? How important is Cowell really to The X Factor – and how should he appear on the show? Leave your comments below.